Shades of Invisibility

Age 20, probably 20 and a half, approximately. It has been long since I’ve figured my orientation, or so I thought. Some people knew. But then I’ve realized that, from some reason, I don’t want to “do anything” with it. Nothing. I don’t want any relationship from this kind, at all. I wasn’t interested in sexuality and neither in romance. And. I. Didn’t. Get. WHY. At that time, I was met with a strong wall of one huge question of “Why?”. I didn’t understand why I don’t want that. I didn’t understand WHY. And why should I want that, actually, why is it taken as a natural assumption? Plenty “why?”s and a sense that something is wrong.

After I’ve talked about this for a bit, I’ve heard the term “asexuality” a few times, probably around the age of 21 and a half. I’ve also read a little about it. Asexuality is defined as a sexual attraction to no one. I gave up every time, stopped reading and insisted that this isn’t that. So there is asexuality, but I’m not asexual, because I don’t fit to the definition, and it doesn’t matter how the words “asexuality” and “aromanticity” seemed close to my situation, since this isn’t that. I kept believing I’ll be alone and that I’m the only one who feels this way.

Age 23. I’ve already kept reading a little more, but finally, my internetical search has ended. I’ve finally reached the words spectrum, and different kinds of attraction, which don’t necessarily come together (besides the fact that sexual and romantic orientations don’t necessarily “come together” and can be “unmatching” without being asexual and/or aromantic). Different sexualities on the spectrum, and… attraction without the desire to act upon it. The seemingly easy search, which turned out to be very long, was finally completed. The confusion has ended.

I mean, for me it has ended. For others, it has just begun. Apparently, this spectrum was made up by confused people, or some attempt to be special, or something that has to be treated. Or sterility, or maybe egoism? Perhaps asexuals are like plants, or attracted to plants? Or to animals? And, actually, what are their body parts s? Those are examples to very important questions, according to the commentators (I’m sorry, “tools”, not “body parts”). Some people insist they know what it is and they’ll explain to you better than you know, and erase identities. And grey-as and demisexuals are actually normal and average people. Read what they write before you say that listen to them. It’s definitely not the usual and it’s understandable why they use a different label and a community and what is their connection to the asexual spectrum. They aren’t treated as normal, they’re being looked upon. Those are invisible and silenced identities. Those are identities that people need to search about in order to understand, and to understand that it is something that needs to be searched about. I hear people say that you can read about all of the orientations online, so it’s all good, but I say that in situations like that, it isn’t clear to those people that the internet will help them figure it out. In retrospect, I’ve found other people who skipped asexuality when they’ve read about it, from the same reason as I did.

In our society, there is an assumption that every person we meet is straight, cisgender, allosexual and alloromantic (people who aren’t from the asexual and aromantic spectrums, respectively). We’re born into this assumption and accept it until we figure out that no, “I’m not X”. Even when we do hear about the other possibilities, they tend to be in a certain order, and the assumption that everyone who isn’t straight is gay and not bi, or poly, or pan, in addition to the assumption they aren’t asexual, grey, demi or any other orientation (and it’s taken for granted that the sexual and romantic orientations are the same…). Everything has to fit the known patterns, and when something turns out to be different, people love to claim it does not exist.

This week is the asexual awareness week, and I’ve wanted to use this opportunity to vent some of my anger and to explain things. Asexuality doesn’t have to be 0% attraction, there is much more than that. Some people do have sex, some are uninterested and some are sex repulsed. There’re varying levels and different kinds, and it isn’t black and white. There’re much more shades, even when they’re invisible.

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